
“They forgot to Photoshop Christina Aguilera’s vagina off her armpit. If you’re going to airbrush, then commit!”
- BreatheHeavy.com blogger
Dear Ms. Britney Spears,
first off, allow me to congratulate you on your rediscovered fortune in your professional as well as personal life. I am glad to see that despite the best efforts of the repulsively intrusive paparazzi- and tabloid industries (not to mention Kevin Freeloader Federline), the pop musician Britney Spears I knew in my early teens is slowly but surely recovering from her regrettably public meltdown.
However, I’m afraid I have a complaint to make, and after holding myself back for more than a year, I feel I can be silent no longer. Ergo…

Your Honor, I rest my case.
No, seriously, though, Ms. Spears. Now, be honest. Who’s been playing with Photoshop these past two years? Is it your son? Your grandmother? Kevin Federline? Kevin Federline’s family? Really, though, do you not have a professional publicist hired to keep these kind of things in check? Professional, as in someone above the mental age of 12 with a degree and experience in this field, not your sister who couldn’t keep her pants on if her life depended on it. These album covers just scream, “I’ve just discovered layers in Photoshop 2! My name is Alfred, and I’m eleven years old!”
professional
adjective- (of a person) engaged in a specified activity as one’s main paid occupation rather than as a pastime
- having or showing the skill appropriate to a professional person; competent or skillful
Where to start, that is the question. To begin with the infamous Blackout cover, I have not used that cheap-ass square Gradient Tool since 2003, my first ever fan site (dedicated to Elijah Wood, might I add) and Photoshop 5, and have, in fact, never used the Glow Effect on text in such a tacky manner. After having seen this stunning Ellen von Unwerth-photographed promotional photo for your new album, however, I was willing to give the kitschy choice of font and elementary-grade text layer effects a pass. That was, of course, until it was revealed to me the above cover was to be the official, final version.
The color scheme is bloody awful as well, which should’ve gone without saying well before this example of cover smudge art was revealed to the media. The lack of coherence is all-too apparent, and is only topped in frightfulness by the badly re-colored photo (which, to my shock and amazement, isn’t even from your gorgeous Unwerth shoot but is rather an old one from… well, who the hell cares, really!). Clearly, someone experienced a blackout (if you’ll excuse the pun) and brain shutdown during the “creative process”. Britney, hire me! I could be on crack, Windows Vista, go blind and lose both my arms and still do a better colorizing job than that!
For medical reasons, it’s time to move on to the newly released cover of your highly anticipated second album, Circus. Eh… I should say something positive here. It’s an improvement, certainly. A new photo! Um… there’s a theme to it? Almost? Yes? No? Bananas?
Following last year’s disappointing album cover, my expectations were even higher for the cover art for this one — after all, Circus is meant to mark your great personal and professional comeback, is it not? Not to mention that the album title would allow for something more creative, something along the lines of, say, these wonderful fan-made album promos. You can thus hardly even begin to imagine my utter disappointment in the official(ly) lackluster cover of your new album — and that is putting it quite mildly.
While I can almost give the simple border and borefest of a font a pass — after all, if nothing else, they are in keeping with the “circus” theme — once again, the lack of harmony is so evident it’s burning my eyes out of their sockets. Why you should be pictured for the cover of an album titled Circus as the virgin Alabama country girl next door is beyond me, as is how you pictured the light pink and -yellow color scheme of the photo would match the darker, more restrained colors of the border and text. And the Barbarella hair? Really? I wonder, Ms. Spears, have you any creative control at all? All this, of course, while setting aside the horribly awkward Cinderella dress with one of the most embarrassingly poorly designed top halfs in the history of fashion design.
Please, Ms. Spears, I urge you. For your next album cover, could you please give Alfred the boot and hire someone with actual graphics design credentials? If you pull out one more Blackout cover, I think I might vomit all over my laptop, and seriously, this baby cost me like, 2000 bucks.
Thank you. Sincerely yours,
Sandra
Internet Explorer is to me as the Death Star was to the Rebellion. Except I’m evidently not Luke Skywalker, oh no. I’m Wedge.
Things I learned in July:
Earlier today (to which
Genius


